Broken relationship – what now?
Psychologists say that, on the scale of stressful life events, divorce ranks second in terms of emotional pain. In my opinion, it doesn’t matter whether it was a marriage or a long-term relationship that ended—the pain and the intensity of the stress are the same.
We were together, and now we’re not. What now? Why did it happen? How should we feel? What should we think? Should we blame? Should we cry? Should we be sad?
Why do we need someone to constantly remind us that there’s no one to blame—no guilty side?
And even when someone tells us that, we think:
"Oh, but you don’t know my situation—it’s different, it’s difficult..."
Is it really?
Let’s ask ourselves:
Why is this breakup so hard for me?
If you’re honest with yourself, you might notice many answers within you that have little to do with your partner—and everything to do with you. You might still want to blame them, because it’s easier. But it’s not about them. It’s about us. It always is. I know it’s hard to admit, but that’s the truth.
Self-Pity, Again and Again
Isn’t that the first thing we feel after a breakup—self-pity?
We look for the “guilty one,” and 99% of the time we decide it’s not us—it’s them.
We love blaming others. It’s much easier than looking at our part in the story.
But the truth is uncomfortable.
And maybe you won’t like what I’m about to say, but I have to say it:
There is no guilty person.
Not in a breakup with a partner, a parent, a friend—anyone.
Each of us is simply acting in our own best interest.
And how can we blame someone for doing that?
Now you might say:
“Best interest?! What about love? Did they even love me at all?!”
Okay, now ask yourself:
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Am I hurt because that person didn’t appreciate my love, my feelings?
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Do I want them to stay because I love them so much and gave them so much?
But isn’t that your interest?
This person is no longer emotionally invested in the relationship—for whatever reason—and yet you want them to stay just so you won’t feel pain.
Is that love?
In My Opinion, Breakups Happen for These Reasons:
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We ignore the little things that bother us—maybe out of fear, habit, or hope.
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We ignore the little things that bother the other person—especially if they don't bother us.
(We think: “I don’t want to make waves; we’ll deal with it later…” But this is often the start of the end—or at least the start of an unhealthy relationship.)
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Lack of communication.
We don’t talk openly and honestly about what’s bothering us because we fear it will start a fight or cause the person to leave. We’re afraid of pain. We think honesty equals weakness.
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Dishonesty.
Okay, let’s call it being “not fully honest.” Even when we do talk, we often don’t say exactly what we mean. We're afraid—of conflict, rejection, being the “bad guy.”
Most of the time we’re not even aware of this. We’ve been conditioned to keep the peace rather than speak the truth.
Please know—I’m not judging. I’ve done it too.
But after 20 years of deep inner work, I’ve become more aware of my true feelings and patterns, and those of others. I’ve learned to name things I couldn’t before.
There Is No Guilty Party
When I say “it’s us,” I don’t mean we’re to blame. I mean we need to recognize that our beliefs about relationships are what shape them. Our inner wounds and expectations manifest in how we relate.
We need to reflect on our beliefs—not because we’re bad partners or unlovable—but because we don’t want to repeat the same patterns in the next relationship.
We all want to be loved, supported, appreciated, and respected.
But we often lack those things within ourselves.
❗ We don’t love ourselves as much as we want others to love us.
❗ We don’t believe we’re worthy of love, appreciation, or respect.
❗ Yet we expect someone else to give it all to us.
A Simple Truth We Must Learn
Breakups are a normal part of life.
Some people stay in our lives forever. Some are meant to leave. Why?
When the lessons are over, the connection may dissolve. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t real. It just means it’s time to move on.
That love you had for the other person? Turn it inward.
Keep that beautiful feeling inside—for yourself. For your inner child.
Remember, each and every one of us chose these lessons before we came to this life. We’re here to grow spiritually—and that’s exactly what’s happening.
Yes, It Hurts
At the moment of a breakup, none of this may matter. You just want them back.
You go to bed thinking of them. You wake up thinking of them.
You walk through the day like a zombie.
I know. I've been there.
The longer you long for someone who’s no longer in your life, the more your mind holds onto the idea of them, not the love.
Love lives in the heart. Obsession lives in the mind.
Don’t fight the pain.
Take your time.
Hold and comfort that little child inside you.
They need all the love you can give.
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